May 15, 2008


I have failed you, internet. I'm a bad DWTS analyzer, and while I feel bad about this, I'm not going to try and redeem myself tonight. That's right, it's 10:28, I did very little today, and yet I am exhausted and soon will be heading for bed.

Because of my guilt, however, I will make several points about this week's episode of DWTS and include thoughts about the future. Quickly, as I just yawned. And yawned again when I typed it.

- Please, please, look at Cheryl's silver dress. Even for Cheryl it was quite the masterpiece.
- Marissa finally went home. Long time coming, anyone?
- Samantha, while always the worst co-host ever, dropped to a new low. "And for the non speaking. ....Spanish ones. ?" And yes, the punctuation is accurate.
- Len visited all the contestants in rehearsal to give them pointers. He danced with all of them, and him dancing (the girl part) with Cristian and Jason was amazing. (Very reminiscent of Jonathan and Steve Gutenberg's Mango. But with Len) Let's just say my life is complete.
- The Bachelor (although I guess not so much anymore) was in the audience. Seriously? Do they not promote themselves and other abc shows enough already?
- Speaking of the dress, Tom is yet again my hero. "I love the dress...but is anyone missing a weather balloon?" Thank you abc for your masterful casting process.
- Marissa has a whole lot of hair. I'm not even kidding, it's a little ridiculous. How is it even possible??
- I hate that they prolong the kicking off until 8:58:45 and then complain that the loser, I mean the non-mover-forward-er can't get down to the microphone/last dance soon enough. Work on it producers. Seriously.
- Also, what was with the sob roll of all the good times Marissa and Tony had together? They should do that for every contestant. Oh wait, no - they should do that with every contestant that's not Shannon and Derek. Gross....
- Tom Bergeron was on Oprah today, and while it was completely about America's Funniest Home Videos, it made me very happy. Although my roommate and I agreed that evil eye is and will always be so much better than anything on AFI.
- I hope Kristi Yamiguchi wins.
- I'm very excited for freestyle. I think Cheryl's going to do some crazy s*** and Mark is going to make Kristi do even crazier s***. Stay tuned, my friends. Stay tuned.

*FYI - The soundtrack to the Darjeeling Limited is fantastic. See the movie (if you haven't) and give itunes some more business. You won't regret it, I promise.

May 11, 2008


The Lanyard - Billy Collins

The other day as I was ricocheting slowly
off the pale blue walls of this room,
bouncing from typewriter to piano,
from bookshelf to an envelope lying on the floor,
I found myself in the L section of the dictionary
where my eyes fell upon the word lanyard.

No cookie nibbled by a French novelist
could send one more suddenly into the past --
a past where I sat at a workbench at a camp
by a deep Adirondack lake
learning how to braid thin plastic strips
into a lanyard, a gift for my mother.

I had never seen anyone use a lanyard
or wear one, if that’s what you did with them,
but that did not keep me from crossing
strand over strand again and again
until I had made a boxy
red and white lanyard for my mother.

She gave me life and milk from her breasts,
and I gave her a lanyard.
She nursed me in many a sickroom,
lifted teaspoons of medicine to my lips,
set cold face-cloths on my forehead,
and then led me out into the airy light

and taught me to walk and swim,
and I, in turn, presented her with a lanyard.
Here are thousands of meals, she said,
and here is clothing and a good education.
And here is your lanyard, I replied,
which I made with a little help from a counselor.

Here is a breathing body and a beating heart,
strong legs, bones and teeth,
and two clear eyes to read the world, she whispered,
and here, I said, is the lanyard I made at camp.
And here, I wish to say to her now,
is a smaller gift--not the archaic truth

that you can never repay your mother,
but the rueful admission that when she took
the two-tone lanyard from my hands,
I was as sure as a boy could be
that this useless, worthless thing I wove
out of boredom would be enough to make us even.

Happy Mother's Day, one and all.

May 7, 2008

No fighting, children

Oh, Tom. Why are you on this show? You deserve so much better....

Here we are again, DWTS glory and late again. I'm starting to sense a trend.
Well, let's see how much I remember from this week.

Kristi & Mark -
I may have said this before, but Mark always has EXTREME facial expressions during every dance. I'm glad he didn't have a fake naval officer's costume on like last week - that was just weird. I loved that CA tried to say that they were off at one point during the judging and both Bruno and Len just started shaking their heads. Amazing.
Their latin round wasn't as good as the ballroom, especially Kristi's outfit. It looked like a flapper dress collided with a giant banana. Very strange.

Mario & Karina -
Mario's ballroom round was actually better than his latin round, which I honestly never expected to happen. Still, I didn't really like it, but then again I don't really like Mario. The most that's-what-she-said-quote came from Mario's ballroom round, though.
Sayeth Carrie Ann:

"It was nice and stiff - just the way I wanted it."
I'm not kidding. And it is truly, what she said. (It's not often that that happens)

Marissa & Tony -
One word for this couple: underwhelming.
Also, Marissa always looks terrible. I feel bad for her. The costume department seriously needs to learn to do their jobs.
Another quality quote from their ballroom (I think) round, this time from Tom.

"Marissa and Tony will get their scores after the break, and we'll adjust Bruno's meds."
I'm dying to know how many times the production staff has said this to one another. There has to be a tally somewhere.

Jason & Edyta -
Highlight of their segment: Edyta made Jason get a spray tan.
Best thing EVER.
Edyta even said it was every dancer's secret weapon! I may like Jason a tiny bit more now because of this. Especially because he didn't want to do it, but did anyway. "With my complexion you should not be spray tanning." That will be the ongoing joke in the locker room next season. It has to be.

Speaking of which, I found out today that many sports teams require athletes to play handball in the off-season to maintain hand-eye coordination. Interesting, no?

Christian & Cheryl -
I was genuinely worried for Christian this week. A ruptured tendon (or whatever is wrong with him), is not something you want to be dancing and DOING LIFTS with.
And yet, he did it. And kicked ass.
They did their first dance to "Beat it" which could have been super corny, but totally wasn't and then in their Latin round....WOW. Probably one of my favorite dances all season. Christian did so well with his hips, foot work, and yes, even the lift. Cheryl basically just grabbed onto him and hung upside down at the end of the dance.
Still A-MAZ-ING.
Seriously, go watch it.

At the end of the night, Christian was in the lead, then Kristi, Mario, Jason, and Marissa.

On Tuesday, many past celebrities came back - Mel/Macks and Apollo/Julianne danced, and Tom talked to Lisa Rinna (barf), Drew Lacey, Jerry Springer and too many others. Except Kenny Mayne. I love Kenny Mayne

I was expecting Marissa to go home because she is not very good, had the lowest score, and probably doesn't have the biggest fan base. But was she in the bottom 2?


It was Jason and Mario in the bottom, and while the evil part of my personality would have LOVED to see Jason go home, he doesn't technically deserve it.
Long story short, Mario went home, kept it semi-classy, and Marissa and Jason will live to dance again.

I'm not going to make a prediction because of the disastrous results it may (or may not....) cause.